Postnatal Depression

I am finally out of the dark and feel like I can talk about this. This is something I should share, for myself and for any one else that might go through it.

Here's the thing: I can't gush.

I'm not one of those new moms who goes on and on about how life's so wonderful or how "I've never known a love like this before". Lots of times I would find myself thinking "I wouldn't feel this way if I was a good mom" or "I want to be a better mother for him."

I realize that my hormones have been all over the map and it's not entirely my fault. Some people are lucky to have family supporting them and unfortunately there's an ocean between me and mine. Sleep deprivation is an actual form of torture so it's no surprise I've gone a bit mad. Plus breastfeeding is hard, man. It's all a bit of a shock. I love my son, really, and I would be absolutely devastated if anything were to ever happen to him.

The first 8 weeks are very difficult. Fake it till you make it was my daily mantra. I think I am starting to come out of the woods now and I am so grateful for that. If anyone else is/has struggled with coming into their new role as a mother: you are not alone. It's ok. Take care of yourself; it's the best thing you can do for your little person.

Please feel free to contact me or share your experience in the comments.

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Bad back

Everyday I do these back stretches at least once. When HAM was around 3 weeks old I got a major back ache right between my shoulders. I took ibuprofen and that would dull the pain but it didn't do anything long term. Only a tiny bit of the medicine is transferred in your breast milk, but I still don't want to have to take painkillers every day. I started religiously stretching my back in the morning and although the pain isn't gone, it is getting better. The magic isn't in my specific stretches as much as taking 5 minutes to look after yourself and listen to your body. Here's my routine anyways:

Roll down, touch toes, roll up, 3 times

Standing saw stretch, 3 each side

Cat stretch moving into a cow stretch, 4 times

Wag the tail, 4 times each side

Thread the needle, 4 times each side (my favorite omgggggggggggggg)

Downward dog
Walk feet in to touch toes, roll up
Shoulder rolls, 4 times

Standing quad stretch, each side

Neck circles, 4 times, then reverse and do 4 more

I got some of the stretch ideas from this Pilates video that I did during my pregnancy. I always always did the last 10 minute set, Pilates for flexibility, because it really loosened up my hips and back.

How do you keep in shape? If you know any great back stretches please let me know so I can add it to my routine!

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32 weeks

Today Ham is the size of a squash.....whatever size that is. All I know is he is big.

My dress is from +Gap and the crop top is on sale at +Urban Outfitters right NOW! The jewelry and shoes are vintage thrift store finds.

Today I have some things to talk about that will make me truly live up to my name. I am a total grump. But I think it's important to be honest, because if even one person can relate to you and feel less alone, well, that's the whole point.

I am having second thoughts. I am worried. You know when you make a really big decision and then wonder if you did the right thing? Well that's where I am today. What if I don't like the baby? What if I am a bad mother? Do I really want this, or is it going to ruin everything? I feel smothered by the inescapable decision I have made. It's all just so final, so concrete. There is definitely a sense of "Oh God, what have I done?" This baby was planned but lately I find my self with feelings of insecurity. It must be so impossible for women who find they are pregnant unexpectedly.

I am sure it will all be fine. I adore kids and can't wait to meet the little Ham that's growing in my belly. Still, a certain amount of doubt or apprehension is normal, right. Is it normal? I'm just going to go all in because, really, that's the only option.

Anyways, that is the truth and I think it's important to be honest. Please Internet, don't judge me too harshly.

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